Hypocritesinaction

The Old Man and the Sea(rs)

2010-09-21T20:16:00.002-07:00

We went to Sears to look for baby stuff (apparently finding a car seat you like is no easy task) and had trouble finding the corner of the 50,000 square feet of retail space they hid their Infant & Toddler section.

We asked a kindly looking gentleman where to go, he pointed us in the right direction... then followed us to make sure we didn't need further assistance. 10 minutes later we were good to go; no car seat, they keep the vast majority of their catalog online like the rest of the world, but we did find a really cute dress on clearance, and this same gentleman was waiting at the cash register.

He asked if we found everything ok.
"Uh... sure."

He asked if we were interested in joining the Baby rewards membership program.
"No thanks."
He then launched into a 5 minute description of the Baby rewards membership program. The accumulation of benefits, no cost to you, easy sign up.... the works.

He asked if we were interested in joining the Sears rewards membership program.
"No thanks."
He then launched into a 5 minute description of the Sears rewards membership program. This time it was all about the differences and similarities of the two programs.

He asked if we would take a short survey describing our shopping experience.
"Uh... sure."
He then launched into a 5 minute description of the surveying process. How to call, how many questions they'll ask, what we get for our time... the works.

He asked if there was anything he could do to make sure we would give him a "10"... and he drew a 10 inside a cute little circle on our receipt as a friendly reminder.

By the third question we were both having a hard time keeping a straight face, wondering what else he could possibly ask. And then he kept going! Over and over, explanation after long explanation!

We walked away laughing... and promptly threw away the receipt with the perfect 10 inside a cute little circle.

Don't look!

2010-04-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

I travel quite a bt for work, and this last time I got upgraded to first class for being such a loyal customer to one of the worst airlines in the nation (my work doesn't let me make my own travel arrangements surprise surprise).

The difference between coach and first class was like night and day. The whole flight crew was falling all over themselves to try and make my 3 and a half hour flight the bestest aviation experience ever. I had a waitress that would bring me practically anything I wanted.

Bring me the head of a pig!" "Have someone from coach fiddle for me. Amuse me!"

It was a little bit silly. They gave me free snacks, drinks (alcoholic or non), a full meal, hot towels (which if you have no idea why your stewardess is handing you a hot towel is quite an awkward experience), pillows and blankets, headphones and well wishes at the end of the trip.

By the end of my trip it was actually making me a little uncomfortable. Every time I made eye contact with the uber-perky flight attendant, she would come over. "Do you need anything?" for the upteenth time. Smile, "no, I'm fine," for the upteenth time.

I would never pay for a seat in first class, partly because the extra $1000 is not going to get you there any faster, and mostly because when I woke up halfway between Phoenix and Chicago, my big comfy plush first class recliner still gave me a crick in my neck!

Solidarity

2009-11-10T08:17:00.001-07:00

I went to the gym last night for the first time in a long time, and I noticed something I thought was interesting. The place was almost deserted (which isn't all that interesting seeing as how i got there at 10:00pm), but every single person working out was wearing earphones except me and the one guy who worked there.

Did I miss the memo? Is this the new thing, exercise in isolation? Any time I wanted to ask a question, I had to ask at least twice, the first to get their attention, wait for them to take out one of their ear buds (never both), and then I could ask my question.

A few years ago I remember laughing at That Guy, wondering what was so special about HIS music that he couldn't bear to be without it, but now I'm the odd man out with my non-headphoned exercising.

Don't guess at that ever, ever, ever, ever...

2009-08-19T21:30:00.003-07:00

There is a story in the news today about a South African... athlete... that broke the world record in the women's 800 meter run. Problem is, they're not sure she's a woman. They're doing gender testing to determine if her muscular build and deep voice are womanly characteristics.

Link

Mostly, I just want to know one thing: who was the schmuck who had to break that news to her?

I'm sorry ma'am... sir... individual... We're not sure if you're a chick or not, so we're going to hang on to this world record for you, until we can be sure you're not actually a guy.

I thought the rule was "don't guess at that ever, ever, ever, ever, ever..."

ASU, ASU, how do I despise thee, let me count the ways

2009-07-20T11:32:00.003-07:00

It's funny how three little letters (well, technically they're capitalized) can symbolize so much frustration and debt and angst and general malice toward an institution of higher education.

So here's the story: I got accepted to the Master's program at Arizona State in April after almost failing a portion of the GRE (seriously scored in the 5th percentile in the writing). Happy day, all is well. Then comes the juggernaut of bureaucracy that is our lovely maroon and gold hometown hero. Since receiving my acceptance letter the second week of April, I have been trying to find out which classes I need to take in order to graduate. Seems a simple enough request, right?

...

The graduate advisor told me to contact a list of my undergraduate professors, who should be able to help me find a suitable course of study. Great, except for the one tiny little insignificant problem that 1: they are on vacation 2: the ones that aren't on vacation are working to meet deadlines and have no time to meet with new students 3: the ones that aren't on vacation or working to meet deadlines have no money or lab space and 4: the graduate advisor either quit or got fired by the time I found out that problems 1 through 3 pretty much excluded every undergraduate professor I liked (and some I didn't).

Great. So where does that leave me? Up a creek as it were...

They finally hired a new advisor (and by "hired," I of course mean "stole from a different department") who was very helpful and gave me a piece of paper with everything I needed to know in order to find the classes I needed.

"This was just sitting on her desk, I'm not sure what it is, but it looks helpful."

My brother in law is finally graduating after almost a year and a half of needing 1 class about which ASU was being patently ridiculous. He started the "I Hate ASU" club, and as the president and founder, has granted me full card-carrying membership.

Here's to 2(+) years of ASU drudgery!

Whee.

Table for One Please...

2009-06-16T21:04:00.002-07:00

I get to travel a lot because of my job. It is almost always a lot of fun (except for the working part), and I have absolutely fallen in love with Baltimore. I am almost always by myself on these trips; even when they send someone to work with me, I always eat alone. It used to bother me to walk into a restaurant and watch the hostess crane her neck to see if there is someone else behind me or if I seriously just walked into her restaurant alone. To eat by myself. Alone. Now I just shrug and say, "it's just me..." or "Table for one please..."

I actually like eating alone now; I get a big kick out of watching other people in the restaurant. The big groups are my favorite. The conversation is usually driven by one or two Me-Monsters, with the people on the ends of the table are almost as alone as I am.

Since my wife started PA school, she's been staying with the in-laws while she works with a family practice doctor in her home town. She'll be gone all summer, meaning my solitary dining situation has followed me home. Eating by yourself at home is not nearly as interesting, because watching the entertaining family includes commercials and a laugh track.

Recipe for Family Fun

2009-04-30T08:15:00.004-07:00

I love my in-laws, but sometimes I can't help but laugh at the things they do. All families have their quirks, mine is certainly no exception, and my in-laws are country folk and all that that implies. Last year for Christmas my new grandma gave my wife and I a cookbook with all the family recipes. Most of the recipes in the cookbook had someone's name attached so if you liked Mom's potato salad better than Grandma's, you could have the option. We were flipping through it looking for dinner ideas (the hardest part of cooking without a doubt) and we came on this recipe: Chicken Cord On Blue. It doesn't sound nearly as funny to put it in print, but my wife and I thought it was histerical. Someone figured out how to make Chicken Cordon Blue (which in my mind is the hard part), but didn't know how to spell it!

First time for everything

2009-03-17T11:17:00.002-07:00

Funny thing happened yesterday. For the first time in my life... I threw away an empty tube of chapstick!

Probably not what you were thinking, but it's still never happened to me before. I always manage to lose them within a week of buying a new one. So I started buying them in bulk, thinking if I can't keep track of one, at least I'll have a backup! ... which means I'd lose three tubes of chapstick instead of just one.

So I got smart, and got a special "chapstick only" place. I kept it there religiously, refusing to lend it out, not even to my wife. And it worked! ... except for when I needed chapstick at school, or at work, or in any other room of the house besides the bedroom... but it worked!

Now I just have to figure out how to have a "chapstick only" place AND manage to have it when I need it, but so far those are mutually exclusive situations.

Customers schmustomers

2009-02-25T17:38:00.002-07:00

Customer Service amuses me. In no other situation is such rude and vehement complaining so richly rewarded. It seems to me that a better business model would be "here is our company's token of appreciation for not complaining..." CS is all about damage control: keep as many customers as happy as possible so they will keep giving our company money.

What I absolutely hate are companies that charge ridiculous fees and use nonsense to try and justify it, banking on the fact that most people either won't know or won't work up the ire to do anything about it. And I absolutely love it when those same companies are eating crow because their idiot customers aren't as idiotic as they thought. It absolutely makes no sense to me that in this economy, companies would do anything that would alienate potential customers.

Case in point: US Airways (or Err-ways as I like to call them) recently recanted its policy of charging for sodas and coffee on domestic flights. It seems enough people just wouldn't put up with being nickel-and-dimed when they already paid several hundred dollars for the airfare in the first place.

The source of today's diatribe: Verizon Wireless. The nation's self-proclaimed largest provider of wireless phone service has recently started charging an extra $30 a month for people to use a smart phone. Worse, they are using absolute mullarky to justify this charge. I wanted a smart phone, but I could never justify increasing my cell phone bill by almost 50% to buy a smart phone, so I've been asking questions. "Well it costs a lot for us to implement and maintain our 3G network, it's the largest in the country, you know" said one walking acne boil. That's fine, how about I just not use the dial-in network and use the Wi-Fi at my home and school, that way I don't have to use your super-expensive (although expansive) network. "Nope, doesn't work like that. If you want this phone, you have to have this data package. That's our policy."

That's your policy? A $30 a month charge for a phone that runs Windows Mobile? No matter how I try and reason with these people, nothing changes, no one listens. People are losing their jobs, losing their houses, cutting back in any way they can... I just hope they don't plan on selling a lot of these. Maybe then they might actually listen to their customers who present a valid argument and work something out.

Or they can wait a couple of months, realize that people are leaving in droves, and try and unring the bell.

Studying... and not

2009-02-01T02:45:00.002-07:00

I decided (or had help deciding, I'm not sure which) to study to take the MCAT... partly for fun , and mostly to see what kind of score I can get. I realize how odd that sounds, rarely are the words "MCAT" and "fun" used in the same sentence.

So now that I've decided to start studying for the MCAT, I've come up with lots and lots of things to do instead of study! The kitchen needs cleaned! What about the bathroom?! There's lots to do on the internet! Hey look, something shiny!! It's not even a conscious decision where I say "I don't want to study, what else can I do instead?" ... it's more like I suddenly realize in the middle of the afternoon, hey, I had all this time I could have studied, and instead I looked at blogs all afternoon!

My latest diversion has been the Dune series by Frank Herbert. The first one was awesome, the second was a little weirder, and by the sixth book, they're just downright kooky. But since when has that been an excuse to stop reading, just because you have about a thousand other things you could be doing with your Saturday afternoon!?

My Favorite Bad Habits

2009-01-08T10:05:00.003-07:00

I think I must admit with more than a little chagrin that the hypocrite this time is me.

I hate New Year's resolutions. Every year I resolve, and by the second week of January, nothing has changed. The second week of June comes and goes with no effect. I'm still the same skinny/overweight, sloppy, non-Mother-calling bozo I was on December 31st.

So this year, I have made my resolutions just nebulous enough that I will have to try really hard not to meet my goals, because apparently that's the best I could come up with to participate with the mores and still feel good about myself.

I bite my thumb... just not at you

2008-12-15T21:47:00.003-07:00

As much fun as people like to make fun of President Bush, a small part of you still has to admire his poise (or at least his reflexes).

President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday, and was given a rather... unusual welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RFH7C3vkK4&NR=1

An Iraqi journalist stood up at the beginning of the press conference and threw both his shoes at the president (apparently this is the Iraqi equivalent of giving somebody the finger). The President ducked both projectiles (there were no Secret Service around to take the ... loafer? for the president? That's not exactly in the job description I guess), and chuckled about it in his usual affable (some people call it moronic) manner after the rest of the journalists in the room took the upstart into the street and beat him senseless.

President Bush turned the potentially injurious scenario into a commentary on the political change that has happened in Iraq in the last several years. Can you imagine if that reporter had thrown shoes at Saddam Houssein? Instead of being escorted outside by his peers, he would have disappeared into a political prison, where he would be starved, beaten, tortured, and eventually executed.

Instead, he throws his shoes at the sitting president of the most powerful nation in the world... and he's missing a pair of shoes.

Isn't democracy wonderful? You can do all sorts of moronic things in the name of free speech!

...

2008-12-06T19:06:00.001-07:00

That Was Most Refreshing...

2008-12-06T16:05:00.002-07:00

The wife and I went out to dinner the other night. We were hanging out, talking, doing what married people do when they go out to dinner. A restaurant employee came up and said, quote:

"can I refresh your drink?"

First of all: I was drinking root beer. I don't know how much a styrofoam cup half-full of root beer needs "refreshing," but whatever. Second of all: you, sir, work at Chik-Fil-A, not the Phoenician. Are you afraid your customers are so hoity-toity that if you don't say some form of the word "refreshing" when referring to their beverage they might get upset?

As a matter of fact, my beverage is not refreshing enough, please refresh me. Bring me another, and make it a little more refreshing this time. I need something with a little more freshness in it. If you have something of a more recent vintage, that would be superb.

I would like to meet the person that walks into Chik-Fil-A with the expectation of that kind of service so I can punch him in the throat.

Refresh this you dolt.

Camaraderie

2008-11-26T13:18:00.004-07:00

We received tragic news last week. My best friend from high school's father was killed in a motorcycle accident on November 17 that also left his mother in critical condition. They were traveling southbound on Arizona Ave when a postal worker turned left in front of them. Chris was killed almost instantly, Marlene broke several bones and is in the ICU, but is expected to make a full physical recovery.

The funeral was held in Gilbert, with all his family and many of his friends coming to pay their respects.

Chris had been taking care of his wife who had symptoms similar to early-onset dementia. They would go on walks and watch movies, but mostly they went for rides on the Harley. They joined up with a Harley rider's club, and went on rides from their home in Chandler all the way to Florida and Illinois. They would spend hours cruising around Arizona highways and byways. It was therapeutic for Marlene and it was a way for them to spend time together.

The most impressive part of the services was after the funeral had ended.

The Harley Rider's Club rode over to Chris's house to pay their respects. You could hear the roar of 70 motorcycles from over a mile away. There were easily 100 people that rode in to show their support for my friend and his family. It was truly amazing to see the camaraderie and friendship of these leather-clad well-wishers. Every single one of them came up to my friend and shook his hand or gave him a hug and told him how much they loved his father. All of them said "You are part of our family now. Anything you need, at any time, you just let us know."

It is interesting to me how we can make these relationships that last a lifetime (and beyond) based on such a little thing. These people rode motorcycles together. A couple of times a month they would ride to Sedona or Prescott to eat dinner and ride home. A couple of times a year they would organize a longer ride out of state, have dinner, and ride home. Yet these people showed up en masse to honor their fallen friend. Their connection to my friend and his family arose from happenstance to full blown familial ties, and I have no doubt that they will make good on their promises.

Watch out for motorcycles. It's dangerous enough as it is out there.

The perils of going green

2008-11-17T22:35:00.003-07:00

In an effort to improve myself and the thickness of my wallet, I have taken to riding a bicycle to school and work. It's not a terrible commute, it takes about an hour and a half to get to school on my bike, and about an hour to drive. Unfortunately, the pronounced and profound idiocy of the world's drivers may necessitate a rethinking my commuting options.

Last week, on my way to school, a school bus was parked in the bike lane dropping off students. No big deal; I slowed down, so as not to run over any kindergartners, went on the sidewalk, and continued on my merry way. About 5 minutes later, a silver-haired gentleman in a gold Toyota slowed down to yell out his passenger window how awful it was that I passed that bus on the right, and how ashamed of myself I ought to be.

[sigh]

As a former bus driver, let me be the first to say, that if you, silver-haired gentleman, had tried that swing-onto-the-sidewalk-to-pass-the-stopped-bus stunt in your gold Toyota, it would have been very illegal, and you should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I however, was not in a gold Toyota, I was on a freaking bicycle you moron, and as such, that particular rule does not apply.

Leave the policing ... to the police. Don't stick your head where it doesn't belong, and for the love of all that is holy, don't pull along side a kid on a bicycle to spew your pent up vitriol because you didn't get to be hall monitor in grade school.

Tonight, on my way home from school, 3 idiot teenagers drove past and one of them screamed out right as they passed me. They stopped at the light just long enough for me to catch up. I asked why they thought that was funny, one of them called me a faggot (because that's the most clever thing he could come up with) and the driver took off... after one of them tried to spit on me. Excuse me!? Spitting on someone is assault, just ask Naomi Campbell.

...

Words escape me, which is not something that happens often. Thank you, gentlemen, for proving yet again why the entire civilized world looks at us and says "Stupid Americans." You'll have to forgive me for not subscribing to your particular brand of stupid, but I still have brain cells that I value.

I'll still keep riding my bike, maybe this time with a keener eye for the stupider segment of humanity.

It would be a big help if they wore signs to let me know they were coming.

Here's your sign.

In Related News...

2008-11-11T13:42:00.003-07:00

I love it.

Shortly after Prop 8 was passed, L Whitney Clayton, the LDS Church liason to the coalition of churches supporting Prop 8, issued a statement saying the following:

"[Church leaders] do not object to rights for same-sex couples regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights. "

So, in essence, the church has come out and explicitly stated that they are not trying to take away gay rights, they just want marriage, and all its implications, to be reserved for heterosexual couples. No one is being oppressed, no on is being downtrodden, no one should have to line the streets singing "We Shall Overcome." And definitely no one should be boycotting Utah and blockading temples.

The stupidity of some never ceases to amaze.
-Me

Impetus

2008-11-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

So this whole thing started late one night while goofing off on the internet (something I am a little too good at these days). I came across a news article about Prop 8, a recently approved amendment to the California constitution defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

Not too out of the ordinary, 48 out of 50 states have laws or amendments to their constitutions defining marriage so, but California is renown for their progressive attitudes toward sexuality (they don't call San Francisco "the city of brotherly love" for nothing). There was a huge homo mobilization effort to vote down this proposition, and when it failed, they needed a scapegoat. Instead of blaming the more than 50% of California voters who approved the proposition, instead of attacking the 70% of African-American voters who approved the proposition, instead of vilifying Catholics or any of the other major religions who supported the measure...

They go after the Mormons.

http://www.mormonsstoleourrights.com

They want to add a proposition to the next general election that would strip the Mormon church of its tax-exempt status, for its propaganda campaign they waged against those poor repressed homos. Additionally, they want to mobilize the gay community to boycott Utah, because that's the best thing they could come up with second to blockading California temples.

Because apparently everyone who lives in Utah is a Mormon, and all the Mormons ganged up to take away their rights (which the judicial system illegally legislated in their behalf, which is a horse of a different color), and therefore all Utah citizens must face the wrath of the flamers!

Holy horsecrap, Batman! I think they're serious about this!

The moral of the story is this: grow up. Stop blaming the consequences of your lifestyle choices on the first identifiable group that pisses you off. And for the love of all that is holy, if you're going to cry foul, at least have a good argument to back you off so you don't come off as a bunch of sore losers.

I say again: grow up. Or move to Connecticut or Massachusetts, where gay marriage is still smiled upon (at least temporarily) by the judicial system. But don't blame the Mormons.

For Starters

2008-11-09T01:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my place of occasional ranting, wherein I decry all things inane, asinine, pointless, and especially hypocritical.

Hypocrisy bugs me. It's one of those things that gets under my skin and goes against everything in my world view and makes me want to scream "are you a moron?!" ... and then I realize that oft times, the answer is yes. Yes they are a moron, and no amount of screaming will make them any less of a moron, it will in fact make me look more like a moron than anyone else... so I bite my tongue and bide my time and vent to the blogosphere.

So here's to you, irker of my ire. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about.